Bikes, Brothels and Boogy-Men (but not all at the same time)

Hey, you'll never guess what I did this weekend... wait, I already told everyone. Fuck. Okay, I was in Amsterdam. But it was aMAZing, and not at all what I'd expected. So here, for your scintillation, I offer my Amsterdonian Top Ten.

#10: Outdoor Urinals

Because this way the city doesn't smell like pee. Downside: there's no way for them to wash their hands, so there's always this question in the back of your mind... Tragically, I never saw one of these being used.

#9: The Canals

I know, I live in a city with a big canal, I've been to Venice, I should no longer be impressed by man-made tunnels of water, but they were really beautiful. Very wide, tree-lined, much bluer than they were in Venice, and they didn't smell at all. I really loved the fact that no matter where you walk, you're always near water. Plus I love bridges; don't ask me why, I just do. Also note: the presence of outdoor urinals makes it much less likely that people are peeing in the canals. Anyway, we spent most of Saturday just wandering around the canals, drinking coffee in little waterside cafes and checking out little local markets; Maya, who is a film student, took a lot of videos of the city, which I'm trying to convince her to edit and put on a disc for me

#8: Michiel's Flat (and Michiel)

It was really great having somewhere to stay, and to prepare food (which totally cuts down on food budget, may I just say) and a cool local guy to hang out with. That was, of course the best aspect of it: his localness. I mean, he spoke Dutch for us and convinced taxi drivers to cram unrealistic numbers of us into their back seats and took us to local clubs and also to the best Dutch event ever... which you'll see later on because it's much higher in the top ten. This is in numerical order, by the by. Anyway, Carrie and Arnaud (her french lover), Maya and I stayed at Michiel's flat, while the other four (Geeta, Ben, Helen and Carolyn) stayed at a hotel, and we split the hotel eight ways so it was super cheap. Or relatively so. In the evenings we all gathered at Michiel's and Arnaud cooked elaborate french food - he's a chef, and really loves to cook, and absolutely refuses to let anyone help him. I was admittedly a little irritated that he constantly made dairy-and-egg-intensive foods and then made me a separate little dish of something - I hate being really pointedly singled out like that - but other than that I have no complaints about someone cooking for me. Michiel is an old friend of Carrie's (he was on exchange in New Zealand with her); he's a graphic design student, so his walls are covered in cool graphic art, and his bathroom comes equipped with a sharpie and an invitation in three different languages to write or draw anything you want. Very cool.

#7: Traveling with Large Groups

This way if you get really tired of one person, there are six others you can talk to instead. Also, we got to count off and have a buddy system like in kindergarten. And if different people wanted to do different things, it was really easy to split up. For example, on Saturday, Arnaud, Carrie, Maya and I did a cheap wandering day, where we just walked around the city, going into little shops and markets and stuff, getting our bearings and enjoying the sunlight (a scottish rarety), whereas Geeta, Ben, Carolyn and Helen, who have a little more money, went to various museums and then went out for dinner. We, on the other hand were saving our money up for #6 and 7.

#6: Coffeeshops

Now, you all know me, and know I'm not a big drug-user, but these were actually really fun. The nice ones are run like good wine stores, where they let you smell the various vintages and tell you the history of them. I was encouraged to detect the citrusy scent of one as opposed to the woodsy smell of another... in the end we selected Willie Nelson, last year's winner of the Cannabis Cup, which provided a "mellow high with creative impulses." After we got back outside I almost wet myself laughing. But I didn't laugh AT the guy, because he was providing the drugs.

#5: the Food

Remember when Anneke used to bring us weird Dutch candies and make us eat them, like salty licorice and crap? It was just like that, but moreso. Stroopwafels (honey cakes) were in abundance, though I tragically could not eat them as they are action-packed with honey, eggs, and butter. However, I could eat the many varieties of gingerbread, licorice and peanut-buttery things that my fellow travelers were constantly buying. Also, I was very pushy on the few occassions that we eated out, and managed to score both a visit to a healthfood restaurant called Bolhoed (fun fact: vegetarian in Dutch is "vegetarische") where we had these amazing pastries stuffed with leeks, mushrooms and tofu, that were SOOOO good; also, there was a Wagamama's, and I made them go there as well. That soup is like my crack. I also bought you all an ingestible (and vegan friendly!) present that will be arriving along with your Christmas package. Expect great things. Prepare to be disappointed.

#4: Dutch Clubbing

We went to a club called Bitterzoet (bittersweet) on Friday night, and it was a blast. There were a whole bunch of actual DJs, who were actually mixing really well, playing a combination of oldschool r&b, something they called "50 cent" which is actually all hiphop that sounds anything like 50 Cent, and Dutch rap. Dutch rap rules, by the way. At one point they played Scrubs mixed with some incomprehensible Dutch thing and it was really funny. I've never been in a club so packed before, you were just crammed up against total strangers and it was impossible to drink on the dance floor, so I just didn't drink. Also, in the punkrock spirit of the Amsterdonian lifestyle, the clubs don't close until 4am that the earliest, which means hours and hours of fun. I am seriously getting spoiled for the clubbing over here: there's always somewhere to go, the music is always good and there are always plenty of people, but this club was all of these things only moreso. One of the best nights out in memory.

#3: Art

The museums in Amsterdam are really expensive, but to make up for it they're really great as well. We went to two, the Rijksmuseum (which is old Dutchy art, like Rembrandt and a lot of blue-and-white ceramics) and the Van Gogh museum, which is relatively self-explanatory. The latter was really incredible, well worth the ten euros. There was an entire floor of Van Gogh - about 200 paintings - plus a permanent collection of his predecessors, contemporaries, and those whom he inspired. It was a really well setup museum, with just enough information and, most importantly, some stunning paintings. Thankfully I managed to dodge going through any museums with Ben, who is a typical American, run-through-and-see-everything-famous-in-15-minutes kind of guy; I was able to take my time on Monday to see all the Van Gogh carefully, and it was really rainy and dreadful outside so I didn't feel like I was missing anything great out there.

#2: This Photo

There was a canon. Where was there a canon? There was a canon at...

#1: The Sinter Klaus Parade!


It just so happened that when we woke up Sunday morning, Michiel was reading the paper, and told us that we were in luck because Sinter Klaus was arriving that very day! Apparently he arrived by steamboat from Spain (?) and procedes through the city, then every day from November 19th through to December 5th, the children can leave their shoes near the chimney and, if they're good, Black Pete will leave them a handful of nasty licorice-flavoured cookies. Other cultures as weird. So yeah, we went to the parade, and it was the best thing ever. Mainly it consisted of tons and tons of people (men and women) dressed up as Black Pete, Santa's very sketchy helper; to dress up as Black Pete you need to paint your face with boot polish, draw on a big red mouth, put on a velvet doublet and a cap with a feather, and eat some watermelon and fried chicken. Sorry, what? Forget that last part. There was even a marching band made up entirely of Black Petes. Also, there were like three really crappy floats, one with an ostrich. The highlight was the fact that all the Black Petes had canvas bags full of cookies, and we were surrounding by adorable little Dutch children equipped with plastic bags, and the Black Petes would shove fistfuls of ginger snaps and stuff into their bags. Only ginger snaps and those nasty licorice cookies. No normal candy. The kids were REALLY excited about these cookies, it was so cute. Also, they (as in the Petes) kept giving us cookies as well, so we made ourselves sick on ginger snaps, which is always fun. At the end Sinter Klaus rode by on a big white horse; he has a real beard and a very stylish red velvet cloak, and was not at all jolly. In fact, he was very solemn and had a big cross on his chest; he's pretty much the actual Saint Nicholas, meaning stern and Catholic. Good thing he has a wacky black sidekick to liven things up.

So, that was my weekend in Amsterdam. There are some bits I didn't mention, like when we walked through the Red-Light District and I was thoroughly demoralized, but I think I've covered all the important bits. Chronology is for losers. Oh, and the Boogey-Men reference? Last Wednesday I went on a Haunted Edinburgh tour that took us into the Black Crypt, home of a notoriously mysoginistic poltergeist. Afterward we went into a little pub, a friend of mine found what she swears is a poltergeist scratch on her arm, and we were hit on by an old Scotsman in a kilt. Good times all around.

(I'm pointing at her scratch, not just making a stupid face.)